Learning from Limits

I recently listened to an interview with David Epstein, promoting his latest book, “Inside the Box: How Constraints Make Us Better.” Full disclosure: I have yet to read the actual book myself, but the gist of his argument is that limits and constraints can actually push us to be more creative, more focused, and more disciplined in our thinking, decision-making and lives generally. 

We tend to fantasize about a world in which we have less constraints and more freedom. Many of us idealize having more time to do the things we *want* to do instead of being forced to spend it all doing jobs we’d rather not. We long for less responsibilities and obligations, endless options, complete autonomy, and the resources to accomplish whatever it is our hearts desire. However, once our basic needs are met, Epstein argues that having *some* kind of constraints actually help us flourish precisely because they push us to think outside the box we are stuck in.

He uses the example of Dr. Seuss, who complained that it was impossible to write a children’s book with only 200 words, and changed children’s literature forever with “The Cat in the Hat.” He then outdid himself and proved he could do it with even less – only fifty – with “Green Eggs & Ham.” These are two of the most beloved children’s books of all time and were written only because he was challenged to create them within a well-defined, extremely limiting constraint.

I’ve been considering how this seeming paradox to creativity and productivity has manifested itself in my own life and I am both surprised and bemused. When I was still working full time at a nursery school and had two small children, I *had* to get creative with my tasks, jobs, and time management. I used planning blocks at work to study coaching, my morning commute to read, and the afternoon train ride home to meditate. I found ways to balance all of the “need-to-dos” with “want-to-dos” in order to keep my sanity. Ever since college, when I worked my way through it, I have been The Multitasking Queen – very much out of necessity. If given the option, I’m sure many of us (past-me included) would say we’d love an obligation-free, limitless, carefree day (or week, or month, or year) “off” from life. But then what would we do?

As someone who has been working from home the past three years, I can tell you that I am at my most efficient, productive and resourceful when I have things to do. An ENTIRELY open calendar is intimidating. With a completely blank slate and no boundaries around anything, what do we do? Pre-kids, I spent far too many weekends laying on the sofa eating pizza, chain-smoking, and binge-watching TV. I’m not saying that was “bad” per se, or that having so little flexibility in our lives that we must plan and plot out every second of every day in order to “maximize” it is a good thing, but… 

I am enjoying playing with this idea that it is at least partially due to the limitations of my situation that have helped me thrive within it – throughout my life. If I hadn’t grown up in such a small, conservative, “rural red” town in the US, I wouldn’t have found a way to leave it (or go so far). If I hadn’t had to work so much during college, I never would have become as disciplined or as creative with my time and energy as I did. If I hadn’t gone through the great losses and their aftermath that I have experienced, I never would have embarked on the path that got me to where and who I am now.

This is more than recognizing the “silver lining” or seeing the glass as half full, it’s a way of realizing that sometimes the very constraints we face are what push us closer to our full potential. Perhaps even more so than if we could wave a magic wand and have everything be unbounded, open and “easy”. It’s certainly helping me to reframe where I feel “stuck” or stagnant right now. Maybe it’s not “simply the way it is” or something I need to either accept, admit defeat, or change all on my own. Maybe the conditions being what they are IS what will inspire me to find a completely different way of breaking through them.

I encourage you to consider this radical idea in your own life – where have limits helped push you further than you would have otherwise gone? 

Trusting in Uncertainty

My one-word for 2026 is “trust.” I was inspired by the Sharon Salzberg quote that reads, “Sometimes we need to just do the best we can and then trust in an unfolding.” I talked last month how this was being felt in an almost spiritual sense as an opening of my heart, an unfolding taking place because of the journey I’ve been on. But the inspiration originally stemmed from a blessing from the Universe in the form of an influx of new clients at the end of last year. It felt like validation or even “proof” that the seeds I have been planting and all my efforts were being reciprocated – the unfolding was happening.

And then January came. 

And the new clients and all their bookings fizzled out. 

And the social media gods put me in algorithm jail. 

And no one signed up for my Nourish program. 

(Again). 

Despite all of my best intentions, fiercest believing in myself, strongest manifestation powers, and (most depressingly) *best efforts,* by mid-January it just all felt really HEAVY. Disheartening. Frustrating. Sad. (The backdrop of the state of the world and what continues to happen in my native land did nothing to help the low mood.) I found myself falling directly headlong into old habits and thought patterns of trying to “fix” it: “What can I DO?! I *have* to do something! We can’t live like this! How am I going to *make* it work?!” There were many middle-of-the-night and early-morning spin outs in my mind. There were many heartfelt and honest discussions with my husband, best friends, confidants and mentors. And there was my Self, present throughout it all, holding me in her steady presence, even when I didn’t recognize it at first. She has been whispering, “Can I trust all of *this* as part of the unfolding too?”

I’m able to share this deeply personal, vulnerable, (and frankly, rather embarrassing) story because my Self is also helping me to see two important things. First, the worry doesn’t actually help or *do* anything. It doesn’t make anything better; in fact, it just makes things worse. (Thanks, but no thanks, monkey mind.) Secondly, I recognize just how incredibly universal this experience is. How do we remain present even when we don’t like what’s happening? How do we hold onto hope in the face of uncertainty? 

And within the exploration of the answers to those questions, I re-discovered that trust in myself and why I am attempting to do what I do in the world. The world desperately needs more open-hearted, curious, kind and compassionate people. Life is simply full of suffering. Things we don’t like, things we wish weren’t happening that way, are literally everywhere all the time. How do we stay present through it all? How do we find our way forward through our days and (sometimes sleepless) nights? How do we not make it worse or harder on ourselves than it already is? How do we create more love, peace, and ease in our own lives, and thus, the world?

Listen to my podcast Ep27: Trusting in Uncertainty.

Nourishing Our Selves

Here’s the universe doing its thing again–showing me what I need to see right when I do, teaching me lessons in humility, healing and growth as I guide others to find the same on their own path. Just as the pilot version of my Nourish program has finished and I’m thinking about when and how to offer it next to the world, I have come to a moment of deep reflection and contemplation within myself. 

One of the questions that came up towards the end of the pilot program was, “Why does it take so long to realize that you're hurting your body?” I answered honestly that I think a lot of it has to do with our childhood–with the coping mechanisms and survival strategies we learned early on, when we were doing the best we could with what we knew then. Those neurological pathways turn into deep grooves the more we repeat behaviors that bring us escape, release, or a sense of comfort or safety. As adults, we can realize that this is what is happening: that the habits and patterns we struggle with today are often rooted in our past, and that we can, in fact, change them. We do not have to stay stuck in the same ruts we’ve worn for so many years. We can always begin again and learn how to change those grooves.

Since my own journey began, I have been open and honest about it; I spent many years drinking and smoking (those grooves were deep), and found ways to stop. I learned how to quit the behaviors that were causing me harm, but now I’m left wondering what it was that had me doing them in the first place. A few years further down the road, I’m thinking about the “whys.” Both the question the group member raised and “Why did I do that in the first place?” There is a sense that somehow I should have known better, that I was/am smarter than that, that I was/am stronger than that, that “anyone” can “obviously” see how that was/is a bad idea.

Exploring all of this with my coach and trusted friends has led me right back to self-compassion and the simple but profound notion of forgiveness. Can I find ways to forgive the younger, less experienced and knowledgeable version of myself? The young adult who came from my family, my small hometown, with my experiences growing up and my understanding of the world? Can I allow her to also be doing the best that she could? Can I take radical responsibility for the choices I’ve made and also admit, accept and allow that sometimes I simply made mistakes? Can I embrace all of that as infinitely human, and not some character flaw or defect, or some “mystery” to “figure out?” Can I acknowledge and appreciate that all of those choices, all of those past versions of me, got me to where I am now?

Can I simply offer all them, and who I have become because of them, love?

Learning to hold our very own selves in the care, compassion and love most of us search for outside ourselves in so many ways is the whole point, I think. Each of us must go through all of our unique experiences—including making bad choices—in order to get where we’re going. It doesn’t matter if it’s food, alcohol, sex, drugs, gambling, shopping or other people’s adoration and validation, if we can be honest and brave enough to say, “I don’t want to do this anymore; I don’t want to feel like this anymore” we can find ways to change the behavior and transform ourselves.

Listen to my podcast Ep20: Finding Forgiveness.

Last month I wrote about how self-compassion creates the basis for true, lasting changes in our lives. “I believe it is the yin underlying the yang of action-based behavior change. We make changes that truly last by changing how we interact and relate to ourselves.” This month I’ll take a look at that yang side; the fierce side to self-compassion that motivates, protects, and provides – for ourselves. We need understanding, support and kindness when faced with our humanity – when we make a mistake, when life gets us down, when we feel all alone. But sometimes we need a little kick in the pants to get us moving.

This lesson was hand delivered to me earlier in the month when I was talking to my husband about a brilliant idea I’ve had in the back of my mind about where I want to take my business. This is the same brilliant idea that has sat there for the past two years – he has heard me mention it more than once. That night, he (not unkindly) pointed out that if I want it to happen, I have to take the steps to put it into motion; it’s not going to magically fall in my lap – no matter how much I believe in myself or manifest. Those might also be necessary parts of the process of bringing it into being, but the most critical one is taking the next step and just DOING THE THING.

Just like a mama bear instinctively protects and provides for herself and her cubs, we can harness that same kind of fierce energy to motivate ourselves into taking action. We don’t need to make it worse by berating ourselves or trying to shame ourselves into what we know we “should” be doing. We do it because we care and we don’t want to suffer. We want to feel, do and be better. If there is anything I have learned in my journey it is that it simply feels SO MUCH BETTER taking better care of myself. The motivation to stay consistent and keep taking the steps, keep putting in “the work” is built in and self-sustaining. I would much rather wake up early and meditate, go running, do yoga, read every afternoon, journal, lunch with friends, continue learning and work at something I truly enjoy and find meaningful than spending my days hungover, sleep-deprived and barely functioning at a job I hate. There’s no contest.

But I didn’t know all of that until I got here. And I’m definitely not saying it was easy. The other thing I realized from talking to my husband is that we simply cannot do it all alone. Oftentimes we need an outside perspective, another person’s gentle nudge to help us get honest with ourselves. It’s not always easy, and it’s even less often pleasant. Full disclosure: I cried a bit after that talk and a small part of me was resisting saying, “but it’s hard!” I was able to listen to that voice, acknowledge her, and also reassure her that we have done so many other hard things, and they have been so worth it. My experience, my self-compassion, and my Self have got my back. 

We need both a soft front and a strong back to truly thrive. Tender and fierce self-compassion form the two sides of this yin and yang in our lives. We seek to lessen our suffering by recognizing it, showing ourselves kindness when it arises, and by taking actual steps to alleviate it.

Listen to my podcast Ep16: Fierce Self-Compassion (Revisited).